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Kevin Scanlon for The New York Times

No.

In answer to your question, No, I am not feeling lucky. Do I object to being descriped as a punk? Also no, but mainly because I’m so scared right now. Yes, I have soiled myself and my bedsheets.

Well, because, here I am, sleeping, in my own apartment, when what should wake me up but the sound of Dirty Harry’s .44 Magnum in my face.

Yes, it’s a bit intrusive, if not surprising. I have no idea what I’ve done to incur your wrath, sir, but I have to say if I have done something to upset you there’s a fair chance I won’t remember it, considering the way my mind is racing with thoughts of “Oh God! He’s a got a gun to my head!”

Thank you. You can put it over on the table. Sorry; you can keep it right next to you. That sounds fair.

May I ask what you are doing here? You’ve broken into my residence at 3am. And as I stated before, I don’t believe I’ve ever crossed your path.

Sounds like a very interesting movie. Do you always do your research this way?

No. That’s what I thought. I had heard your an efficient actor and director, so it didn’t sound like you waste time on namby-pamby methods.

You must not be used to time off. I only say that because you’ve been putting out 2 films a year recently, and that often includes writing the score, although you’ve also started scoring movies for other people. It just sounds like you’ve developed a very busy work ethic, and it must be hard to turn that off temporarily.

Yes sir, I’ll shut up. Do you want a blanket? No, I wasn’t suggesting you sleep in my bed. You can sit watch if you like. I’d prefer, if it’s allright with you, to get the rest of my sleep now. I’ll just … lie down here …

Again, I apologize, I know I said I was going to shut up, but I just have to register my concern over how wierd this is. I mean, I could tell you some wierd stories involving a pig and a rhinoceros … no, seperately … no, this is not a pitch. I don’t care how fast you can shoot it, this is not a movie idea!

I didn’t mean to yell. I will go to sleep now. Good night, Mr. Eastwood.

(Frank May / EPA)

Excuse me. I’m sorry, excuse me. You’re in my way. What? I’m in YOUR way? Listen, big fella, I was walking here.

Yes, I walk here often. This is a highly trafficed route in my daily routine. Well then that’s your fault for not noticing me everyday.

Oh, somebody thinks highly of themself. Sure, fine, I’ll admit now that I see you filling up the whole frame it is accurate to say that you are hard to miss.

That only speaks to my point that since I’ve never seen you around then you must not have been here, because if you had been here before I most certainly would have seen you!

Put the horn down. There’s no reason to threaten violence in a situation like this. We can talk about it like adults … of our respective species.

Where are you from? Germany? Oh, well, allow me to say that your English is very good. It’s obvious you’ve been practicing. Are you visiting the states on vacation or to see someone? Family? Internet date perhaps?

I apologize. Your personal life is none of my business. However, I will re-iterate my original point, I was here first.

Hahaha, hohoho, very funny. If I was here first, why am I not currently occupying the space? I’ve had it up to here with your attitude and rough exterior. Your sturdy body and, mmm, strong ivory …

No. I’m not … I just got out of a situation involving a pig, and, well, my friends have suggested I lay off the animals. No, I’m not a vegetarian, but if they make burgers out of turkey and tofu, it’s hard to tell it was originally a cow. I will however take the compliment.

Oh, that wasn’t a compliment. You don’t think I’m skinny? You do? Oh, you’re only interested in big boned women. Fine, big boned rhinoceros. Whatever, mosey on back to your watering hole.

My mistake. We’re already in your watering hole. I must have walked waist-deep into this lake by mistake. I’ll leave now.

Why's this pig looking at me funny?

An article in today’s New York Times discusses a group of Dutch farmers who are saving the environment two fold by collecting the harmful methane emmissions from animal waste and using it as an alternative source of energy. Farmers around the world have been and are experimenting with techniques to harness this low grade fuel source, with environmentalists lauding the effort to cut down on the 20% of naturally occuring green-house gasses.

But more importantly, does anyone else get the sense that this pig in the picture is looking at you funny?

I mean, the swine’s got it’s head tilted to one side, it’s ear up, and I don’t know if pigs have eyebrows but … I swear it’s eyebrow is raised. Is it smirking at me? Hitting on me? I feel violated.

I … can’t exactly look away. For a creature literally wallowing in the mud, the pig’s sure got a smugness about it. Is that pig saying it’s better than me? No, I do not want to join in it’s hourly mud-bath. That would be undignified. Me, a human, and it, a pig … with a twinkle in it’s eye.

That snout is dirty from all of the pigs rutting around in the ground and … is that a dimple? Look at that cheek. Does the pig have a dimple in it’s cheek? I wouldn’t describe it as cute, but perhaps charismatic.

It’s going to be slaughtered and eaten! Where does it get off giving me the business? That come hither stare. If I bought pork chops tonight I would participate in the exchange of that pigs life for my dinner and sustanance. What part of the pig does bacon come from? Because I really want to quip back, “That’s skin off your back!”

I’ve got to get away from it’s gaze. I’m going to start packing my bags. No, you can’t stop me. This relationship just isn’t working. I’m a young professional currently working in data entry with aspirations of writing, and you’re … YOU’RE A PIG! YOU LIVE ON A FARM WITH INTENT TO BUTCHER YOU!

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. But I do have to go. Your influence over me is just too much to bear. Trust me when I say that every time I have a sausage link, I’ll be thinking of you.

Finally, something worthwhile emerges from Ohio.

Contestants will try to knock down 10 pins Tuesday by sliding rock-hard birds down a lane on the holiday season ice skating rink on downtown’s landmark Fountain Square. The person with the highest score after three rounds wins $100 cash and “WKRP in Cincinnati” DVDs including the series’ famous “Turkeys Away” episode.

Nothing like wasting a bunch of turkeys for a “WKRP in Cincinnati DVD.” If you pick up a 7-10 split, you also win a copy of “Sanford and Son.”

Happy Thanksgiving.

Huzzah-wuzzah-wah?! The Screen Actors Guild is seeking a strike authorization vote from it’s members.

They have been operating without a contract since July, and informal talks only recently resumed in the presence of a Federal negotiator. However, those talks broke down Saturday morning, and out of it came word that SAG leaders would send a vote to their members to authorize a strike.

Now? You want to send a message to the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers by bankrupting an already beleagured industry, in a state already facing budget shortfalls amid an over-all econmic downturn? The DGA, WGA, and sister-acting guild AFTRA (American Federation of Television and Radio Artists) have all signed new contracts as of 2008. To understand why SAG would risk crippling the industry (which some would argue never fully recovered from the Writers’ Strike), we need to look at some facts:

1. 97% of SAG members make less than $5000 a year. So the majority of people these new contract talks involve have to fight for every penny, especially when it comes to residuals, to suppliment their income. As viewership declines on broadcast networks, you can understand why they would be protective of their stake in New Media productions.
2. SAG supported the writers during the WGA 100 day strike. They started staking their claim to be angry since last year, so they have a lot of face and pride invested in coming out strong.
3. Ignore the DGA and WGA contracts. SAG residuals are substantially less than what the other talent receives; imagine that the WGA get’s 1.5% of gross, and SAG gets twice that. Now, divide that 3% by how ever many actors/background extras/voices get. Per person, the percentage is far smaller.

Those points aside, SAG got egg on its face over the summer when they alienated their sister guild, AFTRA, who went on to sign an agreement, based on the outline of the WGA agreement. That looked like it would have put a stop to SAG tactics to prolong the contract talks. But the actors have since held elections for board members, and the new leadership has continued demanding a better agreement for it’s members.

Does a strike authorization vote mean the Actors will strike? Depending on how you look at it, they have been working in good faith with no contract for the past 5 months, in an effort to not stop production again. But SAG has continued pressure on it’s back to sign an agreement already, and not kill the second half of the current television season. A season which was suppose to be a do-over for all the networks, and so far the only thing they’ve done over is fail.

AMPTP will point to the other 3 agreements they have already signed. All fingers will point to SAG leaders when the cameras stop rolling. The ball is unfortunately in their court. However … would it be so bad if they signed a 2-year agreement, a typical length, and just did this all over again then, when hopefully the economy and the industry is in better shape?

I just read this on The Superficial and nearly peed my pants laughing. There are two things that amaze me about this. 1) Jean Claude Van Damme is still alive. 2) He IS as crazy as we all want him to be.

So one might think that this is another one of Steven’s failed attempts at something. But I plan on changing this around.

I first need to be honest with myself. I might write these posts under the guise that someone important will read them, but in all honesty it is only for my dickhead friends Nathan and Dan. Samuel Lee might read it too, but he is not a dickhead. He is a rocket scientist.

Secondly, I was trying to write about things that I am good at. Music is a good example. Those days are over as well.

I will henceforth keep this thing updated on political issues.

I know, I know. I have been a bad blog host. I feel like I have hosed my large audience, and I am sorry. Anyways….

Today, as reported on Yahoo.com,  the United States Army promoted Lt. Gen. Ann E. Dunwoody to the rank of 4 star general. The first woman ever promoted to this senior position. The headline for it is “breaking the glass ceiling.” I think that the Army is full of shit and there has been no “breaking” of anything. Here is why. Look at her last name. What is the first thing that stands out to you. That’s it. I see the lightbulb going off. There it is, bright as day. WOOD. She has “wood” in her last name. Yet another way for men to push their dominance over women. I can just see the dialogue now:

Pres. Bush: Aw shit Dick. Laura has been ridin’ my ass like the cowgirl she is, cuz she is from Texas, about promotin’ a woman to 4 star status. Mumblin’ on about how she feels that me callin’ her my little 4 star general isnt enough. She wants a woman to really be one. Well what the hell am I ’spose to do?

Vice Pres. Cheney: (sitting like Mr. Burns) Well Georgy Porgey, I put together a list of the only two women eligible for promotion. One has a last name of Gainey, the other is Dunwoody.

Pres. Bush: Well shit Dick. That’s a joke in itself.

Vice Pres. Cheney: I agree sir, and please don’t shit a dick. That would mean you pack fudge, unless it is one of those Texas euphemisms.

Pres. Bush: What the fuck is a you-fo-mossimo? Is it a Target brand. I really like Target. They don’t let those stupid Good Will Santas ring their bells in front of their stores during Christmas. Those guys scare me.

Vice Pres. Cheney: Me too sir.

Pres. Bush: Give that cowgirl a promotion just cuz she has “wood in her name”. And go get me a ding-dong too.